Unfortunately,I married too young at 19 years old. By age 24, my husband left. Since then, I focused on raising my wonderful son who is now 19 years old. I dated here & there, but nothing serious.
It's truly not till you are in a serious relationship that God can show you something about your self. As girl friend told me that a long time ago, but I only remember her words it now.
4.5 years ago,I met my *him*. Things were great,but we also had issues . Actually. He struggled with communication & commitment issues mainly from rotten thinking that it was impossible to balance both a career & a relationship. We parted for a while, and recently reunited.
What I didn't notice was that I had issues too (SMILE). And God showed me recently. I could never understand why this issue with my *him* bothered me so much during our break up period. Yes, communication is key & yes I deserved better. But, I always knew, it was deeper than that for me. Why did I act and it effects me as it did? Why this particular issue?
Recently , I shared with my *him* something I was going through. He immediately volunteered to help. Without thinking I made a grunt. He grunted back. Immediately, in my spirit I felt I hurt him.
Afterwards, God kept dealing with me. God explained to me that whoever the man t is in my life, God made him naturally to want & need to protect, take care of, & love the woman in his life. I have not let man do any of those things for me. I have been known to share with my girlfriends that I desire such, but in reality I don't let it happen. Healing is needed.
God further explained that growing up with an alcoholic father had a price. My father adores me. However, when dealing with my dad, I would never know what to expect. He had two personalities. On one hand, he was my loving father who is crazy about daddy's lil girl. On the other hand, he was also alcoholic that would share his heart with me one moment, only in the next moment rip you apart verbally. This cycle opened the door to make me second-guess another intentions & heart toward you.
Secondly, God said that my mother raise us girls to be independent. This is great. I have learned much from her awesome wisdom & strength. But, I rarely saw my mother ‘depend, relinquish, submit, etc “ to my father.
God is now teaching me to balance independence with openness to a man that loves me and desires to protect, care for, and provide for me. I am a good judge of character and heart and that I need to stop second-guessing others & myself. It’s unfair to the person on the other end and stops me from experience what God has for me fully. So, I’m humbly practicing this today.
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